I sat here looking at my blank computer screen, wondering where do I start? I mean, I really don’t feel like blogging. I want to sleep my pain away, eat my pain away, or t.v away this ache in my soul. But if I did that then I would be cheating you of the process it takes to become successful. I would be a hypocrite, who puts on a mask to pretend that all my words are like a magic formula to give you a perfect life. And sadly, they are not!
I am as lonely as FUCK! The ache in my heart, the ache, yes the ache in my vagina, is palpable. It is real. There is a cavernous hole beside me in my bed, on my couch beside me…and my house is dark, even when the light of the sun shines through it. Have you ever felt that way? Ever wanted to just wrap yourself up in a cocoon, and forget all the emptiness of your life? I am ANGRY! God made me a being that is SUPPOSED to be paired. I am NOT supposed to be alone! But I am, dammit! I am!
Some say it is because of choices I made. Yes, I chose some very great people, that were very, very good at walking out of my life with my heart in their fist. I loved men that completely obliterated the core of who I am and filled it up with such a grand love that it whooshed the very air out of my lungs! Only to have them douse that love in kerosene and light a match. So right now, I am recovering from another such man. I shifted my fractal heart from one ambivalent source of love to another. I tend to choose lovers that are somewhat emotionally unavailable, and at best amazing, and at worse could be defined straight jacket crazy. But then, maybe so am I, at least to love them anyway.
How can a man kiss you there, and there, love you so reverently, melt into your body and at the same time take your soul to such ferocious heights of ecstasy, then leave you vacant, vexed and one more v word…vapid? At this age, I know bullshit when I hear it, yet my ego is such, I think I can allow myself the entertainment and physical pleasure without a price. Well what a fool I am, there is always a price. Men are powerful creatures. Yes, even I, a closet feminist have to admit that making love with a man leaves a woman completely possessed of him. Even when it is bad sex there is still a place he finds within you that connects you with love and leaves a bit of his essence within your soul. But when the sex is good, and in my case this time, the sex was off the charts, and the way he treats you is loving, then when it implodes you are left starving. How can one be so full, then suddenly so empty, without having withdrawal?
Clearly, it is masochism that keeps me in this place. Well I am tired of being in this hell hole. I am tired of reliving this cycle of ecstatic joy and abysmal pathos. Am I Persephone? Is it my fate to roast in Hell with my decadent lover for a season, only to emerge with my divine self, and a glorious new life, to only be dragged back down again? I think, the name Ostara suits me, for like the Goddess of Spring, I rise with an effervescence that unleashes life on the world, and then sink into the realm of darkness where I ride the filthy horned beast of unbridled procreation. And I love him so.
Maybe all women are like this, in a way? Maybe we all have slightly, soiled panties underneath our chantilly lace petticoats? Maybe we all hold dirty hands behind our pristine, and diamond perfection. Is that why every woman cheered when Annalise took off her makeup, false eyelashes and wig to ask her husband,”What the fuck is YOUR penis doing on a dead girl’s phone!” Because we all know that underneath our gorgeous beauty lies a very earthy, carnal wild woman who isn’t pretty but best friends with anguish.
Okay, so how do I begin to kick this heartache and loneliness in it’s ass? Well, honestly there is no perfect answer. The best I can give you is what I know that is true. While my mind screams, “This ain’t fair! I live in a college town with teenagers, and poor men who were either incarcerated, on drugs or gay!” After I beat my breast and cry,” It’s just that nobody sees me! I am not around men! I don’t go to bars! I am not going out to clubs! I don’t go anywhere except the grocery store and my kids school! And when I am with my screaming, running around, misbehaving kids, what man is gonna think about dating me?” After I have my pity party and recognize all my barriers to finding a real and lasting love, once I stop blaming everyone and everything….then I sit and contemplate, well what can I do?
I am a Witch, and yet I turn to the bible. I believe in Jesus Christ, yes I do, and the bible is chock full of women who seemed to be trapped by life’s circumstances, and thrown away, yet God somehow rescued them and set them free! So I cling to the stories of Hagar who was an Egyptian Princess, made a slave to thwart a war, and then raped, impregnanted and forced out into a desert to die and be forgotten.The first single mother. I read how Jesus came to her, and she SAW Him, before anyone else, Moses included saw Him, and with his help built a Kingdom out there in the desert of Paran. I read his covenant with her that her son and his children would become a nation as multitude as the grains of sand. Now that was some Baby Mama drama there!
Then I look at Abigail, such a beautiful and prophetic woman, married to a fool who nearly brought down the extermination of their people if it had not been for her insight. I read how her faith and heroic acts, staying true to her gifts in spite of her circumstance, cause her husband to drop dead, and for her to marry a man who later became the King! And lastly, Ruth, who lived in a land which had become barren with famine. She lost her husband, and followed her old and very poor mother-in-law into a land of people who would hate her, call her a Bitch to her face and spit, and would only leave a little dog scraps out for her and Naomi to eat. In spite of that, both women had faith in God, and continued living a life of integrity and love for each other. As a reward, and with the wise direction of her mother-in-law, Ruth married the richest man in the land!
So what did I learn? I learned that to continue living my life. Being present, even in my loneliness, and continuing to lead a life of faith, love, and honoring my own divine self, will not only be it’s own reward, but possibly may actually be the road that leads me to love! Actually, this is the road of Love! For true love does not begin with falling in love, but it begins with loving yourself! It begins with focusing on the small details of life and living each moment to the highest degree of integrity and magic! It means that true magic comes from within your heart, and when you live each day, in harmony with that love, it will find you in a myriad of ways, which may also include a mate!
So I grabbed my Colette Baron-Reid , Wisdom of the Hidden Realms, tarot cards and cried out, “I am tired of being alone!” I just began shuffling the cards, too choked up to phrase an adequate question. The cards began poking up and drawn to them I placed a three card spread of past, present and future on my table. The spread I got said basically,(Past) ‘You have been called into the well of the Divine. (Present) Pay attention to each detail of life and live a life that is magickal! And for the future outcome? I received the Eagle King. “The Eagle King is a sign that your highest destiny is at reach. You are on the right path now, even if you can’t see where you are going.” The Eagle King is my ally! This also is a sign of Angelic assistance and help from the Spirit realm.
After I meditated on this spread I sat down to my computer and composed this blog post. I know it is rife with my pain, and frustrations, but it also holds something else….hope. There is hope. And isn’t that what we all look for when we go to a tarot card reading, or stand at the altar for prophecy? It is hope!
So grab your bible, or book of gratitude or holy book of inspiration, take some time to divine, or pray, or do a quiet meditation. We must go into the well of the divine, and be willing to submerge our pain in the cool depths of fresh water. We must return to what gives us hope. This is the entering door to our path of love and ending the heartache of loneliness.
Once we are there, then we must live a focused life of expressing our divinity in every action, thought and deed. This becomes an action, a definite action that we can choose other than simply waiting. We also can choose to abstain from having sex, and giving our soul over to a temporary lover, even if it breaks the monotony or feels like love at the time. I mean, why put yourself through the facade, and relive the agony over and over again? I don’t know about you, but I am tired of the roller coaster ride.
So I return, like a Mother Eagle, to her nest and nourish my self with the spark of my own divinity and my connection to nature, and God and Goddess. I blanket my soul with the power of the divine Father found in burning away the negative connections to those that mean me harm. I smoke the chaff of my life so that I can stand in my own strength. Then I cleanse myself with the purity of the divine Mother with nourishing myself with the love inherent in nature, bathe myself with the rushing waters of the Goddess Holy Spirit as I remember Her journeys through meditation, divining and the sacred art of magic and lay hands upon my own self! I slowly begin to reclaim the invincibility of my heritage, that of being a Goddess and a Woman!
So here I am, naked before you. I hope my journey may give you hope through your own heartache.
*All photos reprinted with consent of artists