Firecracker In My Soul: A Witch on the Edge of a Concussion

Sometimes I feel like I am suffocating, a sinking, smooshing feeling that takes the breath out of me and makes me wanna claw the walls at the same damn time.  These wall, these abysmal, dense, concrete, sterile, white decayed walls pressing in around me like a death shroud.

How dare I feel this way? I am supposed to be the positive one, the ever cheerful one, the shoulder that everybody cries on and the rock that everyone can hold on to.  I am a counselor, a mother, a daughter, a healer, a psychic and yes most definitely a Witch.

I just performed a healing the other day. On my mother.  Maybe I shouldn’t tell it. I have tried hard not to tell it, so that no negative energy seeps in, and yet I just called her and dumped a boatload of suffocating negativity in her lap a few hours ago.  So why not?  The healing went well, no I am being humble, it was miraculous!  Not only did I lay hands on her wounds, but so did my Great-Grandmother, and all those that had crossed over in our family, that were healers and Witches. They appeared and shared in the prayer and restoration of Nancy.  My mom, like the reputation of her name was always a negative Nancy.  Everything she spewed out of her mouth had a pessimistic slant, with only a glint of hopefulness. This was a condition I had always tried in vain to not absorb as well as fight against, in her.

So the most amazing part that took place was the liberation of her mind. Her physical wounds were not completely healed, but she did not need her pain medicine anymore to walk and could finally sleep, as she awaits news of her surgery.  But her mind had a cataclysmic shift likened to the sun emerging from a solar eclipse. It was beautiful song of freedom!  A week later here I am…at the bottom of a seemingly bottomless pit. Is this some kind of transference that I must upheave from my soul?

I contemplated suicide today.  For a brief second…anyway. But why? What about my life is so, so tragic? I have a beautiful home, four adorable and loving children, a job, a car. So what is wrong?  What is wrong is, and I must apologize for this; I am not a drone!  I am not an AVERAGE person! Gasp!  I was not created to work a 9 to 5 job, and live a life on an assembly line! I AM DESTINED FOR GREATNESS!  My talent, my power, my gifts, my beauty….all of that was given to me, for what? To be HIDDEN???  The thought of that is enough to make me want to slit my wrists. Honestly.

Ever see one of those movies where there are perfectly sane and innocent people locked up in an insane asylum? Well that is pretty much like what living in my body, my circumstances, feels like to me! I should be famous! I should be writing screenplays, tv shows for OWN, on book tours with Hay House, and best friends with Oprah! That is supposed to be my life! Now! But where to go? Where to put my egotistical, meandering thoughts? Where to put my thousands of ideas for t.v shows, magazines, books and movies? Did you know I even wrote the screen play Wedding Planner long before it ever came to Hollywood? I was 25 years old when I first wrote it! And mine was wayyyyy better. In fact, it was like someone split my screenplay up into two movies, Maid in Manhattan and Wedding Planner. But that is what happens. If you can’t use the idea the Universe gives you others will be given it that can use it.

So what do I do? I text my friend Dawn and pour my grandiose heart out to her. I complain about not having any options, and choices, being a single mom, and feeling buried alive and completely invisible. I laugh at the story Invisible Man. There is no such thing as a man that is invisible! Only women can truly play that part! We are whatever you decide we are…we play roles and characters, but seldom are we allowed to be who Goddess made us. Seldom are we allowed to be like Her.

And after my bitter diatribe, in which Dawn identifies, and allows me the space to grieve, she bleeds her heart to help me heal, with loving and supportive words. Then, she tells me in passing, once I feel all better and about to watch Netflix in my comfy room with the air conditioning on, that she is going to take a nap because she just got finished doing chemo! Chemo???? Yes, CHEMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now my chest caves in a little bit, but I pretend it doesn’t and I tell her what a sneaky ass she is, for just sliding that one by me now. That is our love language. We never, ever make each other feel like a cripple or less than who we are, or broken beyond repair. She is 42, and Halle Berry beautiful, I mean she actually looks exactly like her and is fighting for her life against Lupus and kidney shutdown….and I know that I know she is SCREAMING INSIDE! But she can’t scream anymore….she is past screaming anymore so I MUST SCREAM FOR HER! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cry softly, as I write this. I am not going to put a cute little picture on this blog. I don’t give a SHIT how many likes I get or who the hell follows me…I just want to SCREAM for her because she CAN’T! And I don’t deserve to scream for me anymore! So I am not gonna dress up my blog like a cheap little whore today. I am just coming in saggy tit naked. Because we deserve to be beautiful for once without our weaves, and lipstick and pearls and pretty dresses and shit! We deserve to be beautiful because we ARE!  YOU ARE!  WE ALL ARE! So fuck it!  Fuck it!  Fuck it!

I am going to finish my book. The book I started, when Dawn and I started connecting again, long story…ain’t your business….and I am going to publish that book my own damn self, with my own damn income tax next year, even if I have to walk or hitch a ride or need a job or whatever that always sucks my income tax away…this time I am going to publish that book!  And I am going to hope and pray that before she is too weak, or sick or gone…that she can turn the pages of that book and finally, finally see that we have been seen…with all of our beautiful, saggy faced FIERCENESS. We have been heard!  And my beautiful, delicate, sun-kissed, honey eyed, willowy, Pisces, Dawn will live forever!  We…. all…. will.

Ostara’s book > The Baby Mama’s Guide: From Slave Girl to Glorious Queen….coming soon!


3 Comments Add yours

  1. Lesbian's Tale says:

    Reblogged this on Lesbian's Tale and commented:
    I’m sure there are many of us who find it easier to take care of others, in order to avoid what’s going on in our own live or to avoid concentrating on ourselves. I know I’m very guilty of this, by some where down the road, I find that by neglecting myself, I’m only hurting me. This is a good read, thanks Miss Goodwitch for reminding me to care for myself too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your welcome. I know what you mean. If we take the time to feed our Spirits them there is plenty left…plenty left for everyone else. 👌💞

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Lesbian's Tale says:

        Yes indeed!


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